Set Your Heart Straight Clear Away Distractions and Dispel Worries

Have you ever noticed people around you who seem to complain all day long, as if nothing ever goes their way and nothing ever pleases them? Whenever you are with them, you hear their endless grumbling and complaints. All the happy things are forgotten, while their dissatisfactions are always on their lips.

As the saying goes, 'People distance themselves from complainers.' At any time, everyone tends to avoid those who are negative, gloomy, or constantly dissatisfied, because their presence only drains positive energy. For example, they might tell you, 'There's nothing good around me,' or 'My boss is really something else.' Over time, you may start to doubt things you once believed in and lose trust in goodness, integrity, and kindness.

Just as being near cinnabar makes you red and being near ink makes you black, befriending positive and outstanding people allows you to learn many beneficial things from them. Their sunny disposition can dispel the darkness in human nature, leaving no room for bad habits. But if you befriend someone who is dissatisfied with the world and with life, you may gradually lose ideals, integrity, and selflessness amid their constant sighing and complaining.

Mr. Green and his wife got to know a couple whose son was the same age as their daughter. The four adults had much in common, and the children enjoyed playing together, so the two families spent a lot of time together. However, after a few months, the Greens no longer looked forward to these gatherings. Mrs. Green said, 'I really like both of them, but whenever she talks to me, all she does is complain about her husband.' Mr. Green told his wife that, when he was alone with the other husband, the man mostly complained about his wife as well.

They discovered that during these sessions of grumbling, not only did the couple complain about each other, but they also seemed determined to help the Greens find faults in their own marriage. They tried to get the Greens to notice or discuss what they disliked about each other. Over time, the Greens found excuses to distance themselves from this couple.

Complainers are not necessarily unkind, but they are often unwelcome. Complaining can ruin normal relationships between people. The complainer may hope that others will open a door for them, but the result is often that even the window that was open to them gets closed. If you tend to avoid complainers, then don't become the kind of person everyone avoids.

In daily life, complaints come in different levels. Some divide complaints into basic, advanced, and super complaints. Basic complaints arise from unmet survival needs, such as low pay, exhausting life, or poor working conditions. Advanced complaints involve issues of self-esteem and self-worth, like not being recognized by a leader, lacking opportunities to use one's abilities, or not having one's efforts acknowledged by family. Super complaints often concern the overall environment, such as expectations for social justice. Complainers often have a sense of crisis about the world, feeling that society is not as good as they imagined.

Today, when basic needs are generally met and society is rapidly developing, what we see most are advanced and super complaints. These usually focus on dissatisfaction with family and work, and are more common among women.

'In what way am I worse than her? She's not as good-looking as I am, her figure isn't as nice, and her job isn't as good. So why did he choose her? It's so infuriating.'

'Look, she and I do the same job, our performance is about the same, and I even have more seniority than she does. So why was she promoted to manager?'

'Look at Alice—she’s already driving a luxury sports car. But what about me? I have nothing. You and her husband were classmates—how come you’re so far behind?'

'I’ve given so much for this family, working hard every day, doing this and that. In the end, you say I’m not caring or gentle enough. How can I go on like this?'

In fact, many complaints from women stem from their lack of independence. Influenced by traditional ideas from a young age, they tend to imagine their future selves as good wives and mothers, rather than independent individuals in society. When society offers opportunities for independence and a life not reliant on men, their ingrained dependence makes them hesitant, even anxious and uneasy without a man to rely on. Women are full of contradictions—they long for chances to discover and fulfill themselves, defending their dignity, yet they are unwilling to take on too much responsibility, fearing the tension, stress, and instability that responsibility brings.

If a woman is too psychologically dependent on others, she will place her happiness and success in their hands. When she relies on a man for happiness and fulfillment, and he cannot provide it, her sense of well-being suffers, and she starts to complain about him. If her desire for self-realization is placed in her boss’s hands, she becomes extremely sensitive to criticism or praise. When criticized, she feels she cannot bear it, as if the sky is falling.

Complaining is actually a sign of weakness and inability. Capable people, whether faced with difficulties or adverse circumstances, can calmly consider their options and rely on their own efforts to overcome challenges and turn the situation around. But those who are timid and incapable become helpless at the slightest difficulty. Unable to rely on their own strength and wisdom, they inevitably complain about fate and others, full of grievances.

There’s a proverb that says, 'If you can’t say something good about others, it’s better to say nothing at all.' This advises us to learn to respect and praise others, or at least to be cautious in our words and actions. Unfortunately, this wisdom hasn’t received enough attention.

In today’s society—from small families to large multinational companies—complaints are everywhere and never-ending. Poor work environment? Complain. No raise from the boss? Complain. The economy is sluggish? Complain. Husband doesn’t earn enough? Complain... Every aspect of life seems to be steeped in complaints.

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But think about it—does complaining solve the problem? If you complain about your salary, it won’t increase; in fact, your long-term resentment may affect your work performance, causing your pay to drop instead of rise. If you complain that colleagues are hard to get along with, you won’t actively try to improve the relationship or reflect on your own shortcomings. You’ll stew in your own frustrations, becoming more petty, and the relationship will only grow more strained. If you complain that your man is distant, you become a resentful spouse, which only diminishes your charm and drives others further away—how could complaining ever win someone’s heart? If you complain about your bad luck, remember that luck has its ups and downs, like rolling dice—you can’t always get a six. More complaints just bring the same outcome, and may even make you miss the chance to make up for your mistakes.

Complaining can destroy our positive consciousness. For example, once the mind is set on complaining, we put aside our work and start desperately looking for reasons to justify ourselves. We create a target—the thing we complain about. To hit this target, we search for excuses at all costs. When the outcome doesn’t match our expectations, we curse the world for being unfair and blame fate. Over time, this not only affects our work and mood, but also forms a habit of complaining. Whenever something goes against our wishes, we can’t stay calm and start to complain.

The American psychologist Albert Ellis said, 'The best moment in life is when you realize you must take responsibility for yourself. You no longer blame your mother, nature, or the president—you begin to understand that you are the master of your fate.' All complaints stem from excessive dependence on others, placing too much importance on their attitudes while neglecting your own feelings.

Xunzi said, 'Those who understand themselves do not blame others; those who understand fate do not blame heaven. Those who blame others are impoverished; those who blame heaven lack ambition. If you lose something due to yourself but blame others, isn’t that misguided?' People with self-awareness choose their path in life and always keep control of their destiny.

Everyone must take responsibility for their own life. The flavors of life can only be tasted by oneself; success and happiness can only be found by oneself. Don’t blame disappointment and setbacks on an unhappy childhood, improper education, or family poverty—those are merely external causes of trouble. The real root lies in your own psychological weaknesses. Dependence is like an invisible net that binds your heart. What you need to do is bravely take the first step and take responsibility for your actions. When you do, you will find the ideal solution, and the things you complain about will gradually dissolve. Complaints will leave you, and your life will become richer and more beautiful through such experience.

Some women are neither beautiful nor outstanding, yet their faces always radiate happiness. Not only do they look vibrant, but they also give others a sense of comfort. Such women, even if not exceptional, are people others naturally want to be close to.

As the French writer Voltaire said, 'What tires you is not the distant mountain, but the sand in your shoe.' If life is a pair of shoes, complaints are like putting sand in them, making your journey harder and more exhausting. Complaining does not bring relief or release; instead, it makes your mood more depressed and heavy.

Balzac once said, 'Life is made up of all kinds of changes, endless cycles of pain and joy. The eternally blue sky exists only within the soul; to demand it from real life is wishful thinking.' Fairy-tale kingdoms do not exist. 'Too much complaint can break the heart; the world is best viewed with a broad perspective.' When things are imperfect, broaden your view and let go—be open-minded and free. Hu An of the Qing dynasty said, 'If you think of illness and suffering, being healthy is a blessing; if you think of sorrow and hardship, safety is a blessing; if you think of death, simply being alive is a blessing. You don’t need high office or great wealth, nor piles of gold and jade. Three meals a day bring countless natural blessings. I urge people: never forget to be content.' Cherish what is good in life and ignore what is not, and your mood will be open and bright, your life richer and more colorful.

2. Find the source of complaints and solve the problem at its root.

In fact, we all know that complaining is just an emotional vent and does nothing to help. Constant complaining only magnifies the original troubles. If you want to complain, anything in life can become your target; if you choose not to complain and instead look at things from another angle, you’ll find that through your own efforts, you can improve your situation and experience success and happiness.

For example, if you choose to be a kindergarten teacher, even though there are many dissatisfactions in your work, you don’t want to change careers. So you need to change your attitude toward your job: How can you make yourself like it more? In the process of change, you’ll discover joy. You’ll also find that sweeping away complaints gives you creativity and space to use your intelligence.

So before you set out, throw away the grain of complaint—the sand in your shoe!

First, analyze what kind of complaint you have.

(1) Unreasonable expectations.

The most direct cause of complaint is dissatisfaction with the current situation (including oneself, others, or the environment), which means there is a standard or expectation in one’s heart.

'Why aren’t my parents rich?'

'Why didn’t my boss promote me?'

'Why can’t I receive more training?'

'Why didn’t I achieve it?'

'Why did no one tell me I should do it this way?'

'Why can’t I find someone who loves me?'

...

All these 'whys' control your mindset and emotions, causing you to invest much of your energy and time in complaining. Over time, this only intensifies your fear of being worthless, powerless, and useless.

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Now, you can try replacing 'why' with 'how,' filling yourself with enthusiasm and courage to face challenges. You can ask yourself: 'How can I achieve it?' 'How can I get promoted by my boss?' and so on.

Instead of repeated setbacks and endless complaints, transforming 'why' into 'how' can bring you a more constructive and joyful mindset than you ever imagined.

(2) Lack of confidence and initiative.

Complaining about others is actually a denial of one’s own shortcomings and failures, an escape from responsibility. Such people usually lack confidence and initiative. Complaining only causes them to lose opportunities for self-improvement and growth, and thus they continue to wander down the wrong path. Their complaints often stem from inner fear: fear of facing things, fear of facing problems themselves, fear of meaningful communication with others, and so on.

For example, when someone’s career fails, he leads the complaints because he fears being questioned or ridiculed. So he says he didn’t fail for lack of effort, but because the environment was too harsh. Yet the truth is, his failure is usually due to himself—either he didn’t try hard enough, or he didn’t find the right method. Those listening to his complaints nod along, and this result satisfies him: 'See, I knew the problem wasn’t me—they all agree!'

When faced with a difficult problem, his fear takes over. He’s afraid he won’t overcome it, afraid his confidence will be hurt. So he starts to complain, tries to escape, and uses complaints to suppress his inner fear. Today, his boss gives him a proposal to prepare before tomorrow’s morning meeting. He’s afraid he won’t do it well and will be blamed by his boss and despised by colleagues, and eventually he loses faith in himself. Before he even starts, he can’t help but complain: 'The boss is so unfair, making me do something so difficult in such a short time!' 'Li is obviously less busy—why not ask him? How unlucky!'

His inner fear keeps him complaining all day, making him discouraged and weaker. But he overlooks a crucial point: success or failure depends on his attitude toward the task.

Donald Petersen, the retired president of Ford Motor Company, took charge of Ford when the American auto industry was in a downturn and General Motors dominated the market. Instead of saying, 'My goodness, what bad luck to take over at such a time,' he constantly sought advice from designers, launched the Taurus and Sable models, and for the first time that year, Ford’s profits surpassed General Motors.

(3) Improper emotional expression.

Some people use complaining as a way to express emotions, but it often backfires. Parents complain that their children work too hard—not because they want to criticize, but because they care. A wife complains her husband doesn’t care for the family—not to blame him, but hoping he’ll spend more time with her. Unfortunately, those complained about don’t always understand the emotion behind the complaint. They easily take it as criticism and respond in kind, turning it into a 'war.' Emotional expression among family members should be positive and constructive.

(4) Habitual complaining.

If you’ve been deceived by someone, you can blame fate, curse society, or even blame yourself, but none of this will change the situation. All it does is affect you and your future life.

There are many such people in reality. They often make complaining the main topic of conversation, never seeking other subjects. Even when nothing special has happened, their complaints cover everything: the weather, traffic conditions, crowded malls, long lines at the bank, aging, low pay, illness, children’s problems, and so on.