Set Your Heart Straight – Clear Distractions and Dispel Distress (3)

Most people think that complaining is a good way to vent, because it helps relax the mind when one faces setbacks or difficulties. Yet they overlook the serious impact this emotion has on themselves. Chronic complainers often fail to realize: many of their complaints are actually caused by their own actions! If you do poor work, your boss will naturally find fault; if you neglect your diet, of course you won't have clothes that fit; if you don't check the weather forecast and get caught in the rain, who can you blame? So, before you start to complain, try looking for the reason within yourself. Otherwise, once you develop the habit of complaining, you end up hiding your own problems. Endless complaining in conversation also irritates others, and gradually leads colleagues, friends, and family to feel dissatisfied and distant from you.

Do not let changes in the outside world disturb your inner peace.

There is a famous Western proverb: Don’t cry over spilled milk. When milk is spilled, a foolish person will keep blaming their own carelessness and wallow in regret; a wise person will simply smile and move on. Since the milk is already spilled, grieving is useless—it is better to work hard and earn the next glass of milk and bread.

In life, there are many things we cannot change, such as our environment, the weather, or the market. Since this is the case, we should not try to change them, but rather face and accept them. In the process, we can take charge of and control certain things—like our thoughts, mindset, and diligence. By adjusting ourselves to our best state, we can actively respond to various challenges, without letting external changes disturb our inner peace.

1. Use a good mood to balance out bad emotions; use new joy to soothe old wounds.

Heaven has given humanity equal measures of joy and sorrow. If you do not know how to use a good mood to balance bad emotions, or use new happiness to soothe old pain, you are wasting the innate gift of emotional mastery.

There was a young man with a very hot temper, who often quarreled with others. As a result, nobody liked him.

One day, this young man happened to walk to Dade Temple and overheard a Zen master giving a teaching. He listened, half understanding, and stayed to ask the master: “What is forbearance? If someone spits in my face, must I simply endure it, wipe it away, and silently bear it?”

The Zen master smiled at the young man’s words and said, “Ah, why bother wiping it off? Just let the spit dry on its own.”

The young man was surprised and asked the Zen master, “How is that possible? Why should I choose to endure?”

The Zen master said, “There’s nothing that can’t be endured. Just treat the spit like a mosquito or something similar—not worth making a fuss over. Accept it with a smile!”

The young man asked, “If instead of spitting, the other person throws a punch at me, what should I do then?”

The Zen master replied, “Is that any different? Don’t take it too seriously—it’s just a punch.”

The young man thought the Zen master was being absurd, and finally lost patience. Suddenly, he raised his fist and struck the master on the head, shouting, “Monk, what now?”

The Zen master asked with great concern, “My head is as hard as a rock, so I didn’t feel anything. But your hand must hurt, doesn’t it?”

The young man stood there, stunned, and suddenly understood.

In the face of the young man’s aggression, the Zen master was utterly unbothered—so where could insult possibly arise?

When we have cultivated our inner strength and made our hearts resilient, nothing can make us angry. Most successful people are those who can manage their emotions with ease and control.

Often, if we look back, we realize that the people and things that made us angry were not worth our anger at all. And sometimes, after our temper has flared, we even forget why we were upset in the first place.

There was a man named Aidiba. Whenever he quarreled with someone, he would quickly run home, circle his house twice, and then sit on the ground to catch his breath. Aidiba was extremely hardworking, and his house grew larger and his land expanded more and more.

But no matter how large his house and land became, whenever he got angry from an argument, Aidiba would still run two laps around his house.

“Why does Aidiba run two laps around his house every time he gets angry?” Everyone who knew him wondered about this, but no matter how they asked, Aidiba never wanted to say.

Until one day, when Aidiba was very old and his house and land were enormous, he got angry, leaned on his cane, and struggled to walk around his house. By the time he finished two laps, the sun had already set, and Aidiba sat alone on the ground, catching his breath.

His grandson pleaded with him, “Grandpa! You’re already so old, and no one in this area has more land than you. You can’t keep running around the house every time you get angry like you used to. And could you tell me the secret behind your habit of running two laps whenever you’re upset?”

Aidiba finally revealed the secret he had kept in his heart for many years. He said, “When I was young, every time I quarreled, argued, or got angry, I would run two laps around my house. As I ran, I would think: my house is so small, my land so limited—how can I afford to waste time being angry with people? As soon as I thought of this, my anger faded, and I spent all my time working hard.”

The grandson asked, “Grandpa! Now that you’re old and have become the wealthiest person, why do you still run around your house and land?”

Aidiba smiled and said, “I still get angry now and then. When I do, I run two laps around my house. As I run, I think: my house is so big, my land so vast—why bother quarreling with people? As soon as I think of this, my anger disappears.”

When you notice you have negative emotions, don’t rush to blame others. Instead, learn to reflect and see where you may have acted inappropriately. Only by constantly ‘looking in the mirror’ can you better understand yourself, recognize your strengths and weaknesses, and fully unleash your potential.

(1) When you experience negative emotions (anger, sadness, depression, irritability, or other uncomfortable feelings), you should be able to notice them and tell yourself, “Oh, this is a negative emotion.” At this moment, the most important thing is to focus your attention inward, rather than on the people or things that triggered your negative feelings.

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(2) Next, observe your current body posture. Focusing your attention on your body can prevent you from being completely swept away by emotional conflict.

(3) Then, try to ‘see’ what you are thinking—just observe your thoughts. If you can listen to that incessant inner voice, you are observing your mind. At this moment, observe with reason and kindness. It is just a thought; it does not define you. Do not criticize it, just watch it.

(4) What emotions are you experiencing right now? Some people don’t even realize when they are angry. In fact, the simplest way to observe your emotions is to observe your body, because emotions are essentially the body’s response to thoughts—sometimes the emotion arises before you even notice the thought. Notice where your body feels tense, whether your stomach feels uncomfortable, if your heart feels tight or aches, or if your body is trembling. All these are the effects of emotion on the body. Discover it, observe it, allow it to exist, and fully feel it—do not resist. You will find that your complete acceptance will help it dissipate faster, or even transform into joy.

Of course, it is not recommended to stash all your sorrows deep inside, nor to put on a façade of strength while your heart is in turmoil. Actually, you can quietly release bad emotions in a way you like.

One day, Secretary of War Edwin Stanton came to Abraham Lincoln, angrily telling him that a major general had insulted him with offensive remarks, accusing him of favoritism. Lincoln suggested Stanton write a sharp letter in reply.

“Go ahead and scold him thoroughly,” Lincoln said.

Stanton immediately wrote a strongly worded letter and brought it to Lincoln.

“Yes, yes!” Lincoln exclaimed, “That’s exactly what I wanted! Give him a good talking-to. It’s brilliantly written, Stanton.”

But when Stanton folded the letter and put it in an envelope, Lincoln stopped him and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Mail it, of course,” Stanton replied, a bit puzzled.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lincoln said loudly. “You can’t send that letter—throw it into the stove. Every letter I’ve written in anger, I’ve handled this way. The letter is well written, and now that you’ve written it, you’ve vented your anger and feel much better, right? So burn it, and then write a second letter if you must.”

Lincoln’s approach was like installing a ‘firewall’ for himself. Since troubles come and bad things happen, find some way to balance your mind’s ‘pH level’!

(1) When hiding worries, pay attention to your emotional capacity.

Some people always swallow their grievances, but fail to clear out old worries that are outdated or no longer matter. Sometimes, when new troubles arise, old resentments resurface as well. The more you hoard worries, the less happy you become.

Why not learn from a computer system’s ability to clear junk files? Let your troubles fade away after a little stir; once their color fades, let them vanish. Find a mental recycling bin, and train yourself in the art of forgetting. Life doesn’t need to preserve sadness forever—just remember the bittersweetness of the moment. As for worries, once their shelf life is over, throw them away.

(2) Give bad emotions an outlet.

Give bad emotions an outlet—a harmless one, so they can quickly slip away, and the farther they go, the better. Otherwise, as they accumulate, they will gradually weigh you down. Once they take over, you may hastily give them an outlet, often aimed at your loved ones and friends, hurting others and leaving yourself regretful. A single bad mood can cloud the sky for many people.

(3) I love myself.

Love is the greatest power. Through our choices about emotion, we know that choosing not to love ourselves is choosing a space of fear, aggression, sorrow, or anger; choosing to love ourselves means inhabiting spaces of trust, understanding, respect, and gratitude.

In managing our emotions, ‘loving yourself’ is the most effective method. To improve your mood through self-love, consider the following suggestions:

(1) Do not publicize conflicts between leaders and colleagues.

(2) Believe that everyone wants to become better.

(3) Do not magnify your own or others’ shortcomings.

(4) Do not casually display your emotions in daily life.

(5) Do not tell everyone you meet about your difficulties and misfortunes.

(6) Resist the urge to complain whenever there is an opportunity.

(7) Never keep a sentimental diary of hurt.

(8) Speak calmly, walk steadily.

(9) Be methodical in everything you do.

(10) Put your heart into everything you do, because someone is always watching.

(11) Avoid using self-demeaning language.

(12) Do not frequently reverse your decisions; once you have decided, do not overturn them lightly.

(13) Do one solid, concrete thing every day.

(14) When things go poorly, take a deep breath and look again for a breakthrough.

(15) Don’t deliberately turn friends into rivals.

(16) Don’t nitpick others’ mistakes or minor errors.

(17) Avoid arrogance born of power, and prejudice born of knowledge.

(18) Don’t promise what you can’t do; if you say it, do your best to follow through.

(19) Don’t play clever tricks—they are a step toward making mistakes.