Do Not Quibble Too Much, Be Broad-Minded When It Is Time

Entering the World: Offering Broad Tolerance to the World

A hundred years of life pass in a hurry. Who controls rise and fall? It hardly matters. Virtue leaves a lasting fragrance, spirit endures for millennia. Live this life without hoping to change the world. What Buddhists leave to the world is not curses, not resentment, not vexation; what Buddhists leave to the world is only compassion, joy, blessing, and peace.

—Master Yancan on 'A Life of Broad Tolerance'

A mirror appears smooth, but under high magnification it turns into uneven mountains; what looks clean to the naked eye, under a microscope, is covered in bacteria. Imagine living life with magnifying glasses and microscopes—one might not dare eat at all. If we use magnifiers to examine others’ flaws, many people would seem unforgivable and beyond hope.

"When water is too clear, there are no fish; when a person is too critical, they have no followers." One should not be overly serious with others. If you want to live freely and happily, then be tolerant when tolerance is due.

When a person is too critical, they have no followers—don’t be overly serious with others.

No one is a sage; who can be without fault? Getting along with others requires mutual understanding. Often remind yourself that it’s rare to be wisely muddled; seek common ground, allow small differences, have breadth of mind, and be able to accept others. Such a person will have many friends, find favor everywhere, and succeed in all things. Conversely, if you scrutinize everything, refuse to tolerate even a grain of sand, and are overly picky—arguing every trivial matter—you cannot accept others, and others will avoid you. In the end, you’ll close yourself off, becoming someone others fear to approach.

1. Don’t force others to admit fault; don’t bluntly say, "You’re wrong."

If you are certain someone is wrong and bluntly point it out, what happens? No matter how you do it—a look, a tone, a gesture—making it clear they are wrong, do you think they’ll agree? Absolutely not! Because your action directly attacks their judgment and self-esteem.

Your blunt correction will only invite their counterattack. Even if you bring out all the logic of Plato or Kant, you won’t change their mind. Admitting fault would mean conceding: "You are smarter than me."

A young lawyer was debating an important case in the New York Supreme Court. The case involved a large sum of money and a significant legal issue. During the debate, a Supreme Court judge asked him, "The statute of limitations for maritime law is six years, correct?"

The lawyer paused, looked at the judge for a moment, then replied bluntly, "Your Honor, maritime law has no statute of limitations."

"The courtroom immediately fell silent," he later recalled. "It felt as if the temperature dropped to freezing. I was right, the judge was wrong, and I told him so honestly—but did that make him friendlier? No. I still believed the law was on my side, and I knew I presented better than ever. But I failed to respect his feelings, to discuss my point reasonably, and instead publicly pointed out the error of a respected, learned man, causing unnecessary conflict and misunderstanding."

People can easily admit mistakes to themselves, but find it hard to accept criticism from others. If the other party handles it well and is kind, we may even admit mistakes to them and feel proud of our honesty. But if someone points at us and says, "You’re wrong!" in a blunt, overbearing way, how do we feel?

Therefore, don’t be overly serious about right and wrong, especially don’t force others to admit they’re wrong.

When Franklin was young, he had a habit of arguing. An old friend from his church called him aside and sharply rebuked him: "You’re hopeless. You’ve attacked everyone who disagrees with you. Your opinions have become so precious that no one can bear them. Your friends find that if you’re present, they feel uncomfortable. You know too much; no one can teach you anything, and no one wants to, because it’s thankless and unpleasant. As a result, you can’t absorb new knowledge, and your old knowledge is limited."

Franklin took the lesson to heart. He realized he truly was that way, and saw he was headed for failure and social tragedy. So he resolved to change his arrogant and rude habits.

"I made it a rule," Franklin said, "never to be too dogmatic. I even forbade myself from expressing overly certain opinions in words or writing, such as ‘of course’ or ‘no doubt.’ Instead, I used phrases like ‘I think,’ ‘I suppose,’ ‘I imagine it might be this way or that,’ or ‘so it appears to me at present.’ When someone stated something I disagreed with, I never immediately refuted or corrected them. In my reply, I would acknowledge that under certain conditions their opinion might be valid, but in this particular case, it seemed slightly different. I quickly discovered the benefits of this new attitude: conversations I joined became much more harmonious. Expressing my views modestly made them easier to accept and reduced conflict. When I was wrong, I didn’t face embarrassment; and when I happened to be right, others were less stubborn and more likely to agree with me.

"At first, this method conflicted with my nature, but over time I grew accustomed to it. Perhaps in fifty years, no one has heard me say anything too dogmatic. This is why my proposals for new laws or amendments to old ones received attention, and why I had considerable influence as a member of the public association. I am not eloquent, nor am I a great orator; I hesitate in my wording and sometimes misspeak, but generally, my opinions are widely supported."

On this point, Mr. Carnegie had similar feelings.

Once, Carnegie’s friend Peter hired an interior designer to decorate his bedroom with some curtains. When the bill arrived, he was shocked. A few days later, a friend visited Peter, saw the curtains, and casually asked about the price. Upon hearing it, the friend’s face darkened and he exclaimed, "What? That’s outrageous! I think he took advantage of you."

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In fact, what the friend said was true, but few are willing to hear honest criticism of their judgment. Peter began to defend himself, saying that expensive things have their value, that you can’t expect high quality and artistic taste at a cheap price, and so on.

The next day, another friend visited. Unlike the previous one, he praised the curtains enthusiastically and expressed his hope that he could afford such exquisite curtains for his own home. This time, Peter’s reaction was completely different.

"To be honest," he said, "I can’t really afford them myself. The price I paid was too high. I regret ordering them."

If you don’t force others to admit fault, you can avoid trouble and unnecessary disputes, and help the other person become as tolerant as you. Your friendly attitude may even encourage them to admit they might have made a mistake.

So, if someone says something you think is wrong—even if you know it’s wrong—say things like: "Oh, really! I have a different view." "If I’m mistaken, I’d be happy to be corrected." "I may be wrong…" These seemingly ‘not very serious’ phrases.

2. Don’t use your strengths to highlight others’ weaknesses.

Self-confidence and striving are good qualities, but once taken too far, they become arrogance and pride.

So, if you have your own ideas, don’t present them in a conceited way; if you have exceptional abilities, don’t look down on others. In short, don’t use your strengths to compare against others’ weaknesses.

Li Quan was a new employee at a company—tall, handsome, and eloquent. During his interview, he received unanimous praise from the examiners. As soon as he joined, he became the office favorite, and his supervisors placed high hopes in him. But before long, problems arose. In his department, there was a routine weekly meeting, usually led by the supervisor, where colleagues shared work progress and experiences. At his very first meeting, Li Quan demonstrated his "gift of gab," engaging in fierce debates with both colleagues and supervisors.

When discussing work plans, he always believed his proposals were flawless and dismissed others’ plans as worthless. When it came to specific points, he would seize on minor details, arguing endlessly. This wasn’t limited to meetings—Li Quan couldn’t accept others’ ways of doing things, always thinking his own methods were best. He habitually used his eloquence to force others to follow his thinking, belittling colleagues until they were left speechless. If someone avoided arguing with him, he took it as proof of their inferiority.

Li Quan’s habit of feeling superior began with his first job. He worked in a government office, but in his eyes, the leaders were all incompetent, so he looked down on them and treated them coldly. Once his own tasks were done, he ignored his leaders’ instructions. Naturally, the leaders didn’t like a subordinate who always gave them attitude. Before long, Li Quan found that he was excluded from all the office’s benefits, while troublesome tasks kept piling up for him.

After more than a year, feeling isolated, Li Quan finally left. But even then, he believed he had no problems—he thought the office people were narrow-minded and jealous of talent, unable to tolerate someone as capable as himself.

Yet, in his new company, Li Quan ran into the same problems. His pride made him eager to stand out and unable to accept others’ ways of living and working, seeing them as a waste of time. He wanted to help, but his words sounded patronizing. Over time, his colleagues, like his previous leaders, began to distance themselves. Several clients even told his supervisor, "That Li Quan in your department is certainly eloquent, but why does interacting with him feel so uncomfortable, as if we’re beneath him?"

Cold stares and gossip increased, and eventually even his supervisor lost patience. In less than three months, Li Quan was asked to leave the company.

In life, there are many people like Li Quan who always think no one measures up to them. They often display extreme confidence, which others see as arrogance and self-importance.

Everyone has a unique personality, but after entering society, for the sake of survival, we must learn to recognize the gap between ideals and reality, to tolerate different ways of living and working, to approach work and relationships rationally, and to handle interpersonal relations with warmth.

The human heart is unpredictable, and the biggest taboo in social interaction is judging others by your own standards or labeling them as incompetent. As a member of a group, if you share the same environment, it means you’re still an ordinary person. Don’t always think you have an advantage, or that your views are always right. If you’re always seeking victory in words, you’ll end up like Li Quan.

3. Learn to put yourself in others’ shoes when you speak.

It’s human nature to view things from our own perspective. But if you want to succeed in relationships, you can’t always be self-centered—you must learn to put yourself in others’ shoes, understand their thoughts, and then skillfully express your own views. As people often say: “What can’t be solved today may become clear tomorrow,” or “Reading history brings insight into the present.” The same principle applies to conversation.

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Sometimes, when outcomes don’t meet our expectations, we feel wronged and lament that good intentions go unrewarded. Is it that others truly don’t understand us? Actually, it’s that we don’t understand them. This kind of perspective-taking isn’t real empathy—it’s just projecting our own viewpoint onto others. That’s what “good intentions gone wrong” really means.

Before we speak, we should always consider the other person’s perspective. Only then can our words avoid causing conflict and misunderstanding.

Some people don’t consider others’ views or feelings, thinking it’s enough just to express themselves clearly. But correctness isn’t decided by the speaker alone. If you ignore the listener’s psychology and reactions, no matter how carefully you choose your words, misunderstandings will arise. That’s why we must work at our language, always remembering to put ourselves in the other’s place, striving to make every word both heard and felt.

Many mistakes in life come from seeing things only from our own angle. To avoid such errors, we must learn true perspective-taking and adjust our behavior accordingly. It means fully shifting to the other’s point of view, making it easier to understand and tolerate others. When handling issues, put yourself in the other’s position to gain a better grasp, so your words truly reach their heart.

There’s a story in the Bible: Once, some people wanted to stone a woman for misbehavior. Jesus said, “Go ahead—but each of you must ask yourself, who among you is without fault? Whoever can say they have never sinned, let them cast the first stone.” Everyone, feeling guilty, left her unharmed.

Why did they walk away after Jesus’ question? Because none of them was qualified to judge—once they remembered their own faults, they felt compassion for the woman.

Even the least capable person can criticize others at length; even the wisest often overlook their own shortcomings. If we regularly hold ourselves to the standards we use for others, and treat others with the forgiveness we reserve for ourselves, how could we not make great progress?

If you think about it, many of life’s frustrations and conflicts don’t have such complex or serious causes. With mutual understanding and empathy, many disputes and discomforts would never arise. Perspective-taking is a powerful way to achieve such understanding.

Be less serious with yourself, and life will open up before you.

It’s not easy to truly let go of being overly serious—especially with yourself. It requires good cultivation, flexible thinking, and a certain amount of skill.

1. Keep a low profile in your actions.

Living modestly is a state of mind, a form of cultivation, an understanding. It’s not just about adjusting your attitude, but also your behavior.

A high tune finds few choristers; the tree that stands out in the forest is the first the wind destroys; those who stand above the crowd are the first to be brought down. Only by keeping a low profile can you truly walk your own path in life.

In society, those with outstanding talent who show off too much may attract attention, but also invite trouble. So as you strive to show your best side, also remember the risks—this is the way to protect yourself.