To Love or Be Loved, First Open Your Heart

TIPS: These three sentences of true love are truly worth trying.

Remember to say these three sentences to your partner within 24 hours after a quarrel.

You must calmly and lovingly tell your partner these three sentences—train yourself to do so. If you simply cannot calm down and the deadline is approaching, write these sentences on a piece of paper and hand it to your partner: "Dear, I am very angry and in pain. I don't understand why you did or said that to me. Dear, I need your help."

You must give this peace note to your partner and make sure they have received it. In fact, you will find that at the moment you hand over the peace note, your heart already feels some relief.

You can also add a few sentences after the three true love sentences: "This Friday night, let's sit down together and discuss everything calmly." You can share this idea on Monday or Tuesday, giving yourselves three or four days to practice peaceful conversation. During these days, you both have a chance to reflect on the causes of the conflict and understand the whole situation. You can decide when to discuss it, but Friday night is best—if you reconcile, you can enjoy a wonderful weekend together.

3. Relax and establish a beautiful psychological boundary

Professor Bullough of Cambridge University once proposed the theory of 'psychic distance.' He believed that aesthetic experience requires a certain psychological distance between the subject and the object. If the distance is too great, subject and object lose their connection and no aesthetic experience arises; if the distance is too small, they become too close, and again, no aesthetic experience arises. This is the 'self-contradiction of distance.'

So, couples who are together every day often complain: "You're too close to me, I'm almost annoyed to death!" "I have no space of my own, I can't stand it!" While couples living apart often lament: "I miss you every day, it's torture!" "If only I could see you every day, how wonderful that would be!"

In marriage, if there is no distance, the relationship loses its vitality; but if there is distance, intimacy is lacking, and trust gradually fades. Marriage becomes a ticking time bomb, ready to blow the couple's feelings apart at any moment.

Once people fall in love, they hope for complete closeness with their partner, to be together all the time. But often, they end up too close, forgetting to leave space for each other, and their love nearly suffocates.

Here is a man's confession:

When I first returned from the United States, I met a girl and we both felt a strong attraction. She was very enthusiastic, while I was more introverted. Her talkativeness and boldness drew me in, and I made it clear that I liked her warmth. But after a few dates, I found her passion burned too quickly, and I couldn't adapt.

She would call me anytime, anywhere, asking what I was doing. If I said I was driving and couldn't answer, she would immediately text me to drive carefully. If I said I was in a meeting, she'd order takeout for me, afraid I'd forget to eat. If I was late for a date, before I could explain, she'd understandingly say, "Traffic jams are so frustrating, here, have some water first."

At first, I truly felt she was considerate. Having a woman who always thinks of you is happiness for a career-focused man. But later, it became overwhelming. I couldn't help but wonder: I'm young, with a promising career—could these be her motives for such enthusiasm? Of course, most of the time, I wanted to believe she was a simple girl. But I also worried: she treats me so well, while I'm only focused on my career, trying not to fall into love and give up my dreams. I feared I couldn't return her care equally and would hurt her someday. This made me feel guilty, so when I saw her again, all the ease was gone, replaced by a sense of burden.

The spatial distance between people directly reflects the degree of mutual acceptance. Everyone needs a self-controlled personal space, which may vary with circumstances, personality, and cultural background. But no matter who you are, as long as you are conscious, you need this space. Once it is broken, people feel tense and uneasy. Shrinking psychological distance not only causes tension, but also dampens romantic interest. Appropriate space keeps love alive.

Before marriage, lovers have a certain psychological distance, which brings a mysterious attraction and almost sacred admiration. Their sensitivity is high—a single glance can make your heart soar. But after marriage, this distance disappears, the mystery fades, and the sacred admiration is replaced by routine. Both become numb, sensitivity plummets, leaving only dullness and frustration, and the excitement of love dwindles, leading to marital crisis.

Many couples, when separated, write frequent, passionate love letters, endlessly expressing longing; but when they live together, those feelings vanish, and quarrels become routine. Actually, it's because love lacks room to breathe.

In marriage, creating distance is essential—it's also a skill for a happy marriage. Of course, this skill inevitably involves trust and understanding.

Only by trusting your partner can you respect their personal space.

For example, when your partner wants to be alone and think, if you always suspect they're not 'on your side' or showing signs of infidelity, you may feel they're deliberately avoiding or neglecting you, or have complaints about you. If you constantly worry about betrayal, check their phone and diary, and can't help interfering with their private space, you'll inevitably provoke rejection and resentment. As a result, your baseless suspicions and guesses push them even farther away.

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Extended Reading: Mastering the Language of Marital Quarrels

Accusatory words slip out, and you immediately regret it; you always speak harshly to your husband; or your intentions are good, but your words come out all wrong—at such times, a quarrel is often inevitable, and miscommunication is about to spark a marital battle. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were better ways to express your feelings?

Actually, conflict in the 'besieged city' of marriage is inevitable. People cannot always keep their mouths shut, and repressing anger for the sake of silence is unhealthy. If you really want to speak, then speak—but you must master the art of language when emotions arise. In the heat of emotion, whether you pour oil on the fire or bring gentle rain depends on your words.

Sometimes, just the right sentence can not only resolve disputes and help you take the initiative, but also make your marriage more intimate and harmonious through the process of adjustment.

Don't say: "I knew you'd say that."

Instead, say: "You've said this before, so it must still be bothering you."

Many words are not inherently accusatory, unless you use an insinuating tone. If you say "I knew you'd say that" with a mocking expression, it's no different from calling your partner an 'idiot' or 'fool' in another way.

Psychologists believe that contempt accelerates the collapse of marriage. One of the clearest signs of impending divorce is that, no matter what your partner says, you dismiss it with disdain.

A wiser way to express yourself is: "You've said this before, so it must still be bothering you." This phrasing considers your partner's feelings and shows your willingness to solve the problem. If you try to understand and communicate about every little detail in daily life, your marriage will be stronger. For example, if he has to work late, record his favorite TV show for him. Only by truly understanding each other's goals, anxieties, and hopes can you handle major decisions and disagreements together.

Don't say: "You're driving me crazy."

Instead, say: "When you do that, I feel really hurt."

You need to clearly express what is affecting your emotions. Vague denial only makes the marriage more tense; explaining why you're angry is extremely important.

Emphasize how your partner's behavior makes you feel, but don't list a whole catalogue of complaints and grievances.

Remember, point out only one issue at a time. For example: "When I want to talk to you and you only focus on watching TV, it really makes me feel bad."

The sooner you express your feelings, the better. Saying "You're driving me crazy" means your emotions have been suppressed for a long time and have reached an excessive level.

Don't say: "You never do this right."

Instead, say: "You've made a lot of effort; maybe this way is too hard."

When you criticize your partner's behavior, you usually point out the right and wrong ways to do things. While your approach may seem best, it is often colored by your own subjective preferences.

Blame creates distance between spouses. In the family, both partners should strive for mutual equality.

When it comes to chores, men must let go of their comfortable assumptions, while women should give up trying to control how men do the task.

Don't be stingy with words of gratitude and affirmation—this will encourage him to keep it up. Happy couples are often built on mutual appreciation, frequently praising each other, and never forgetting to say thank you even for the smallest things in daily life.

Don't say: "Why do you never listen to me?"

Instead, say: "This is really important to me."

Saying he never listens to you is full of blame and exaggerates resentment. After all, even the least receptive person cares about what you say sometimes. Using words like 'always' or 'never' triggers resistance. Such sweeping statements shift all responsibility onto him and absolve yourself.

Opening with "This is really important to me" creates an opportunity for constructive dialogue, giving you a chance to express what was rejected and suggest solutions. Stay calm and peaceful when stating your views.

Don't say: "Fine, I'm leaving you!"

Instead, say: "That makes me feel like leaving you."

Threats may sound dramatic, but they are dangerous and leave no room for further conversation. He might say "goodbye" or mock you for bluffing, and both outcomes are humiliating.

Even if you storm out in anger, your relationship doesn't end there.

Hold back those impulsive urges and seek ways to communicate, since you 'don't really want to leave.' As long as the marriage hasn't broken down, expressing your true feelings helps get to the root of the problem. However, in most marriages, threatening to leave repeatedly will eventually become reality. It's a bit like suicide—people who constantly threaten divorce push themselves step by step into a dead end.

Don't say: "Nothing's wrong. What makes you think that?"

Instead, say: "Yes, something is wrong."

Avoiding problems only makes things worse. Wounds fester, and your pain will drag your relationship into greater chaos and deterioration.

First, admit there is something wrong, even if you're not ready to talk about it right away. This helps ease tension and puts both of you on the same path to finding a solution.

Then, schedule a time (the next evening or this weekend) to sit down and seriously discuss each other's issues.

If you have serious conflicts, set resentment aside until you find time to address the issue. When you're less tired and exhausted, it's easier to find solutions.

Don't say: "You always side with the kids."

Instead, say: "As parents, we need to be more united in our opinions."

'Always' is a dangerous word, full of blame and often provoking anger.

Moreover, your partner will become defensive, ready for a 'battle.'

Frequent disagreements about parenting not only backfire, but may also cause family division. Children who grow up amid quarreling parents become accustomed to discord and may even blame themselves for your marital unhappiness.

Therefore, when handling these differences, be sure to keep them away from the children and temporarily hold back grievances and opinions.

If your differences in parenting have grown large enough to affect your marriage, consider seeking professional counseling.

Psychologists suggest you might say: "Last night, when I was helping our child with homework, you told him he didn’t have to finish it. I feel you undermined my efforts, and it wasn’t helpful for him. What do you think?" Then listen to his response.

Don't say: "How could you do that to me?"

Instead, say: "This hurt my feelings; why did you do it?"

Many couples play the victim when blaming each other. This indirectly expresses your resentment, humiliation, and sense of betrayal.

You need to understand why your partner acted that way. For example: "You didn’t call me, and I felt very sad. What made you leave home so late last night without telling me?" After asking, both of you can express your views constructively, breaking the deadlock. Using this approach also means you should be ready to truly listen to the facts.