To Love or Be Loved, First Open Your Heart (2)

Many people misunderstand the meaning of marriage. They believe that, as spouses, they have the right to know everything about each other. Out of a narrow sense of love or jealousy, they interrogate their partner about every detail of their romantic past—who they dated, how many lovers they had, and how intimate those relationships were. Lacking a broad and generous heart, they turn abstract explanations into concrete images, embellish them with imagination, dramatize them, and inappropriately use these as so-called evidence of infidelity. They wait for an opportunity to vent their resentment and hostility, hurting both their partner and themselves.

If we look deeper, we find that people with this mentality lack self-confidence. They do not understand that love is something to be earned—by winning the other person's respect, affection, and lifelong companionship. Instead, they mistakenly think that love is something to be seized, as if they could occupy every corner of the other person's inner world.

Marriage is like one's own garden—it requires careful tending, and skill is needed. You must give your loved one full trust, and also have confidence in yourself. While allowing space for both partners, you must learn to communicate, to listen well to your partner's heart, and to give them the chance to understand and listen to you.

We must be clear: tightly gripping is not the right way to create space in marriage, nor is space simply yielded through endurance. Only by withdrawing from the mindset of confrontation in marriage can we leave room for understanding and self-reflection, and gain perspective by viewing marriage from a distance. Only then can we deepen our understanding of marriage and allow it to grow in a broader, more open space!

We did not meet to be angry with each other.

On the bus, it was crowded. A pair of office workers—a young man and woman—were squeezed together in the middle of the carriage.

Perhaps because of the crowd, the young man wrapped his arm protectively around the woman's waist, afraid others might bump into her. He gently asked, "Are you tired? What would you like to eat later?"

The woman replied impatiently, "I'm already annoyed enough. Why can't you decide what to eat first? You ask me every time."

The young man lowered his head, looking innocent, and then said something deeply moving: "I let you decide because I want to accompany you to eat what you like, to see you smile with satisfaction and momentarily forget the unpleasantness from work. I can't help you with the grievances you suffer at work, but this is all I can do for you."

Hearing this, the woman, filled with guilt, softly said, "I'm sorry."

The boy said, “It’s alright. Meeting you wasn’t meant for getting angry—so long as you’re happy, that’s enough for me.” Then he gently kissed the girl’s hair.

When the bus reached their stop, the boy held the girl’s hand as they got off, still carefully shielding her along the way.

What a beautiful sentiment: 'Meeting you wasn’t for being angry.'

For two people to fall in love is such a rare and precious fate—why let anger erase all that happiness?

1. Face each other calmly, then use love and courage to dissolve obstacles

During the Tang dynasty, Master Huizong often traveled from place to place. Before one such journey, he instructed his disciples to take good care of his beloved dozens of orchid pots. But one night, the disciples forgot to bring the orchids inside, and as luck would have it, a violent windstorm struck. Pots were smashed, flowers destroyed, and chaos was left behind. A few days later, when the master returned to the temple, the disciples braced themselves for punishment.

Yet upon hearing what had happened, the master remained composed and serene. He told his disciples, “I didn’t plant those orchids in order to get angry.”

These words not only enlightened all his disciples, but have also benefited us deeply, even a thousand years later.

Even when love encounters small setbacks, we should treat each other calmly, using love and courage to resolve the difficulties, rather than recklessly resorting to anger. It takes a hundred lifetimes to share a boat, a thousand lifetimes to share a pillow—two people meeting, understanding, and loving each other is not for the sake of being angry.

One evening, Lynn Summers went for a walk with her husband. They happened to pass a CD shop holding a special sale. Her husband said, “Let’s buy a few!” To be honest, she and her husband rarely bought such entertainment items. Each month, after daily expenses, mortgage payments, and raising their daughter, there was little money left—where was the spare cash for this? But seeing the hopeful look on her husband’s face, Lynn was moved—just this once, she decided to let him buy some, to make him happy.

After a long wait, her husband finally emerged from the crowd, arms full of CDs, and mentioned a price that made Lynn’s heart ache. Seeing him spend more than they had budgeted, Lynn felt a bit down. But when she looked at his beaming face, her irritation only grew. Leaving her happily oblivious husband behind, Lynn stormed off toward home in a huff.

After a few steps, she suddenly thought: I didn’t let him buy those CDs to get angry—I did it to make him happy, to give us a pleasant weekend together. Since the money was already spent and her husband was as delighted as she’d hoped, what was the point of staying upset? Wasn’t the money spent to bring joy, not frustration?

With this in mind, Lynn slowed her pace. Her husband caught up, expecting her to be angry and ready to apologize, but when he saw she wasn’t upset at all, his mood instantly brightened. Hand in hand, the two of them walked home sweetly together.

In the past, Lynn often nagged her husband for coming home late, and they would frequently argue about it. Now, she finally understood and decided to change her ‘strategy.’

First, she broke her habit of nagging. When her husband told her he couldn’t make it home for dinner, she no longer got angry as before, but instead reminded him to come home early and drive safely. As a result, her husband started coming home earlier more often. Sometimes, he even brought Lynn a big bouquet of beautiful flowers. Their life together became sweeter than ever before.

If we quiet our minds and reflect on Master Huizong’s words, perhaps we’ll realize that these little things aren’t worth getting so worked up over at all.

Didn’t we choose to marry out of love? We saw all those good qualities in our partner so clearly before marriage—why do we become blind to them afterward?

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Since we came together because of love, why spend our days bickering and letting anger ruin our relationship? It’s better to be a little more tolerant, a little more open-minded—let things go when you can. In fact, many of the hurts in marriage are unintentional. As long as we find the reason and communicate in time, we can turn conflict into harmony.

2. When you argue, make sure the topic is a real issue both partners recognize

Love grows through cycles of quarrels and reconciliations, each round lifting it to a new level.

Don’t assume that couples who argue are necessarily at odds—sometimes, not arguing at all is the real sign of disharmony.

Quarreling is a dynamic aspect of marriage; it can actually help maintain stability.

A survey in the United States found that couples who argue frequently have a much lower divorce rate than those who rarely or never argue. This result has gained wide recognition. Couples who often quarrel vent their grievances, and after cooling off, reflect on where they fell short and make improvements. But couples who never argue don’t understand each other’s thoughts; even if they have many complaints, they don’t express them. Gradually, their shared language dwindles. At home, apart from eating and sleeping, there’s little to say. Eventually, life feels dull, and divorce seems easier, increasing the likelihood of separation.

Quarreling is also good for physical health. Those who suppress every issue, big or small, end up feeling stifled! A recent American study shows that suppressing anger during marital conflict raises mortality rates, while arguing may actually be beneficial to health.

This research was led by Professor Halberg at the University of Michigan. His team tracked 192 middle-class couples for ten years. Based on their findings, the couples were classified as either prone to arguing or not. After ten years, the mortality rate among couples who rarely argued was five times higher than those who often did.

Commenting on the study, Professor Halberg concluded: “One of the main tasks for couples living together is to resolve conflicts… The key is, when conflict arises, how do you respond? If you ignore it, suppress your anger, but keep thinking about it—resenting or even attacking your spouse—you’re in trouble.”

Yet, after thousands of years of cultural teaching, we tend to view quarreling as uncivilized, especially between spouses, as a sign of disharmony. In fact, such theories sometimes do more harm than good for marriage, stifling our ability to express ourselves and release tension.

So don’t assume that arguing will necessarily harm your relationship. You must understand this: What does not arguing actually bring you? Have you truly accepted your partner? Or has your husband or wife really accepted your ways? Do you know what silence means? 'Silence, silence—if you don’t erupt in silence, you perish in silence!' This principle applies to marriage as well.

Maya Marks and Leon Lane have been married for three years, but with no children, their life feels bland. At home, Maya cooks while Leon helps out or does other chores. Their days are ordinary and stable, but both feel increasingly bored.

One day, Maya said gloomily, “Maybe we should get a divorce?” Leon replied, “Alright.” Although Maya felt Leon agreed a bit too readily, she realized that if he had suggested it first, she would have answered the same way. Their life together felt as bland as eating from the same pot every day—utterly joyless.

They went to the divorce office. By chance, it wasn’t crowded, and the clerk asked them with a smile, “Why are you getting divorced? Tell me your reasons.”

Both were introverted and silent for a long time. Finally, Maya thought, since they were divorcing anyway, what harm in speaking up? She said, “We’ve been married three years, but I understand him less and less. He never wants to share anything with me; even though I’m his wife, I feel like a stranger. My colleagues confide in me about their lives, but when he comes home, he just works or eats, never talks—I feel suffocated.”

To her surprise, Leon had his own reasons: “She acts like a maid, is overly polite to me, and I feel awkward saying anything. Sometimes, it bothers me—she’s so formal, I don’t even dare to complain. She’s too particular about everything, and I find it hard to bear.” And so, the two of them, back and forth, poured out three years’ worth of pent-up dissatisfaction.

After listening for a while, the clerk understood: their dull life was due to mutual dissatisfaction.

“Why didn’t you just tell your partner how you felt?” the clerk asked. The two answered almost in unison, “We can’t just start a fight, can we?”

The clerk chuckled, “Go ahead and argue—the more you quarrel, the livelier your days will be!” The two were stunned—could life really get better with more arguments? But after hearing this, neither really wanted a divorce anymore. After all, who could say what life after divorce would be like? So they decided to go home first, and maybe have a quarrel there.

In the days that followed, they sometimes quarreled, and Maya would even cry. When she did, Leon felt sorry, wiped her tears, and held her close. Because they aired their grievances during arguments, their relationship actually improved.

Leon also became much more cheerful, finally able to assert himself openly in front of his wife. Even after a small spat at home, he’d go to work with a smile. People noticed that Leon had changed—he was more enthusiastic about everything and eager to help colleagues. Who wouldn’t like such a coworker? Soon, Leon was chosen as the team leader for the planning group.

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By arguing, couples come to understand each other’s needs. Afterwards, when things have cooled down, don’t let your partner be disappointed again and again. This is how we should view a lifetime of marital quarrels.

But quarreling should have its limits and be approached with skill. We are all civilized people, so even arguments should be handled with civility and rationality. We must first understand: quarreling is simply a way for both sides to release their dissatisfaction—often, those feelings aren’t just directed at the partner. Excessive repression can harm the body. You and your loved one are meant to spend a lifetime together, and your health is one of your greatest sources of happiness. So when you quarrel, remind yourself: after venting those frustrations, you’ll feel better.

During a quarrel, listen for the differences and similarities in your partner’s heated words—this helps you discover where you need to adjust, and what your partner truly needs. You should also boldly express your own needs; this is the time to share what’s on your mind.

Quarrels should stick to the matter at hand, or use the issue to express your needs. But never attack your partner’s weaknesses. 'You may disagree with every word they say, but you must always respect them.'

Also, don’t drag in each other’s parents or outsiders, and never say reckless things like threatening divorce. Quarreling is meant to solve problems, not create them. We should follow the principle of turning big problems into small ones, and small ones into nothing—expanding problems is never the goal.

And don’t storm out after a quarrel—it just leaves you looking pitiful on the street and undermines your self-confidence. Besides, the money you spend on a taxi would be better spent ordering a pizza to enjoy at home! Can you really eat it all yourself? Don’t waste it—share half with your partner; after all, they’re tired from quarreling too.

There’s a golden rule for quarreling: only argue about issues both partners clearly recognize as real points of tension. That way, you’re more likely to reach consensus through the quarrel.