Hearts Are Won Through Love and Tolerance

Chapter of Kindness: Offering Others a Broad Heart

Only those who can embrace the world are themselves embraced by the world. Therefore, anyone who achieves great things must possess the capacity to tolerate others. While tolerating petty people is difficult in practice, for the sake of success and the greater good, one must cultivate the attitude of 'dealing with others with tolerance and embracing people with grace.' If humility is a virtue, then so is tolerance.

— Master Yancan on 'Treating Others'

Baruch Spinoza of Holland once said: The human heart is not conquered by force, but by love and magnanimity.

Regarding the preciousness of a tolerant heart, someone once said: 'All the beauty in the world comes from the tolerance within the human heart. Even a little tolerance can bring great benefit to the world. If we could all treat others with tolerance, how many problems would simply disappear?'

Tolerance is a form of kindness toward others, and it also reflects one's own cultivation.

Tolerance is a form of kindness toward others.

The human heart is not transparent by nature, but as you gradually practice tolerance, it becomes crystal clear through the passage of time. At that moment, you become priceless, for you possess a heart unlike any other—a heart that radiates light like the morning sun and warms everyone who receives your tolerance. You will feel truly at ease.

1. When harmed, tolerance is more effective than revenge.

In life, we inevitably interact with others. Because each person's education, work, lifestyle, personality, and interests differ, conflicts and clashes are unavoidable. Sometimes these escalate into hatred, leading to estrangement between brothers, discord between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, or quarrels among colleagues. Yet many conflicts are minor. If one party can be more open-minded and magnanimous, if what should be tolerated is tolerated, and what should be forgotten is forgotten, the problem will resolve itself, and swords will be turned into silk ribbons.

In reality, however, there are always some people who are narrow-minded and petty, who go through life with the attitude of 'better that I wrong others than let others wrong me.' They nitpick over every little flaw in others, and in the end, small issues become big ones, further intensifying conflict.

Once, there was a poor scholar who sold calligraphy and paintings at the market. One day, he saw a young master from a wealthy family approaching, surrounded by attendants. The scholar knew that this young man's father had once humiliated and persecuted his own father, causing his father to die of grief. A surge of hatred welled up in the scholar's heart, though the young master knew nothing of this history.

The young master was deeply captivated by one of the scholar's bird-and-flower paintings. He lingered before the painting, reluctant to leave, and wished to buy it. However, the scholar put the painting away and refused to sell it to him. The young master, passionate and stubborn by nature, could not let go of the painting. From then on, he became ill with longing for it, and his health declined day by day.

Eventually, the young master's father intervened, offering a high price for the painting. But the scholar would rather hang the painting in his own home than sell it. Sitting before the painting with a gloomy face, he muttered to himself, 'This is my revenge—repaying the son for the father's debt.' The young master's father left in disappointment, unable to buy the painting. Not long after, the young master died.

Yet the scholar found no pleasure in his revenge. Night after night, he dreamed of the young master's innocent smile, and his conscience tormented him, leaving him in constant agony. One day, someone asked him to paint a Buddha. As he worked, he felt something was off—the Buddha he painted looked very different from those he had painted before. After much thought, he suddenly dropped his brush in terror: the Buddha's eyes were those of his enemy, and even the lips were strikingly similar. Tearing up the painting, he cried, 'My revenge has come back upon me!'

Such is life: when we insist on repaying harm with harm, the result is not so much revenge on our enemies as it is deeper harm to ourselves.

Therefore, do not brood over the harm others have done to you. Using others' mistakes to punish yourself and bring yourself pain is truly unwise.

'When you point two fingers at others, the remaining three are pointing back at yourself.' Tolerant parents often use this saying to teach their children.

A sage once said, 'It is better to eat vegetables with love than to eat beef with resentment.'

There was a young man who was always cynical and resentful. In his studies, life, and work, he encountered many misunderstandings and setbacks. Unable to gain others’ understanding, he gradually developed a habit of viewing others with suspicion and hostility, nitpicking every small mistake and resenting those who did not understand him. As a result, his relationships became strained. In such a stifling and depressing environment, he felt as if the whole world was rejecting him, and each day dragged on like a year, nearly driving him to collapse.

One day, he went out for a walk and climbed a beautiful mountain. Sitting atop the mountain, he couldn't enjoy the scenery; instead, he dwelled on his misfortunes, and his hatred surged like a flood. Unable to contain himself, he shouted into the empty, deep valley, 'I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!' The valley echoed back the same words: 'I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!' The more he heard, the worse he felt, so he shouted even louder. The harsher his words, the louder and longer the echoes became, aggravating his anger.

Just as he cursed again, a voice behind him called out, 'I love you! I love you! I love you!' Turning around, he saw the abbot of a nearby temple shouting toward him.

Moments later, the abbot approached with a smile and said, 'If the world were a wall, then love would be its echo chamber. Just as we heard, the world reflects whatever attitude you project. If you speak with love, the world answers with love. If you give love, you receive love; if you bring blessings, you receive blessings. Many troubles arise from holding grudges and nitpicking others. When you love others, they love you back; when you help others, they help you in return. The world is interactive—give it love, and it gives you love. The rewards of love far outweigh the fleeting satisfaction of hate.'

After hearing the abbot's words, the young man happily descended the mountain. From then on, he began to approach everything around him with a positive, healthy, and loving attitude. Misunderstandings with colleagues disappeared, no one opposed him anymore, his work went more smoothly, and he himself became much happier.

In life, there are no permanent enemies. Once resentment in the heart fades, even enemies can become friends. If our enemies realized that our hatred exhausts us, makes us anxious and tense, and even shortens our lives, wouldn't they rejoice? Why punish ourselves for the mistakes of our enemies?

Even if we cannot love our enemies, we should at least love ourselves. We must not let our enemies control our happiness, health, or appearance. As Shakespeare said, 'Do not kindle a fire of anger because of your enemies, lest the flames within your heart burn yourself.'

Therefore, do not waste time on meaningless revenge, and do not let your heart suffer more because of it.

The reconciliation between Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States, and John Adams, the second President, is a vivid example.

On the eve of Jefferson's inauguration, he went to the White House intending to tell Adams that he hoped their fierce campaign had not damaged their friendship. But it is said that before Jefferson could speak, Adams began to roar, 'You drove me out! You drove me out!' From then on, the two did not speak for years. Later, when Jefferson's neighbors visited Adams, the strong old man still recounted the unpleasant episode, but then blurted out, 'I have always liked Jefferson, and I still do.' The neighbors relayed this to Jefferson, who then asked a mutual friend to convey his deep friendship to Adams.

Afterwards, Adams replied to Jefferson with a letter, and from then on, the two began one of the greatest correspondences in American history.

This example shows us that tolerance can dissolve hostility.

When Dale Carnegie absentmindedly misstated the location of the author of Little Women on the radio, a listener wrote to scold him harshly. Carnegie was tempted to reply, 'I made a mistake about the region, but I have never met a woman as rude as you.' But he restrained himself and chose to dissolve the hostility. He asked himself, 'If I were her, would I also be angry?' He tried to see things from her perspective, called her, sincerely admitted his mistake, and apologized repeatedly. In the end, the woman expressed admiration for him and hoped to become friends.

Patience brings calm seas; retreat brings vast skies. It is reasonable to criticize others' mistakes when necessary, but we should not cling to them. We must embrace others with a broad heart.

Andrew Matthews wrote in 'The Heart of Tolerance': 'A foot crushes a violet, yet the violet leaves its fragrance on the heel—that is tolerance.' Franklin said, 'Tolerance is far more useful than revenge when it comes to harm received.'

When we tolerate others' mistakes with a generous heart, the world becomes more wonderful.

2. Tolerance is an essential course in building relationships.

During the Warring States period, the King of Chu held a banquet for his ministers. Suddenly, the lights went out, and a drunken general tugged at the queen's clothing. She pulled off the general's hat tassel and asked the king to investigate. To save the general's dignity, the king ordered everyone to remove their hat tassels in the dark before relighting the lamps and continuing the banquet. Later, the general, having been shown tolerance, fought bravely for Chu on the battlefield.

This shows that the power of tolerance is immense. Criticism breeds resistance, insults breed resentment, humiliation breeds anger, threats breed fury, but only tolerance leaves people unable to evade, retreat, resist, or rebel.

Lin Xiangru's tolerance toward the arrogant Lian Po eventually moved Lian Po to voluntarily carry a birch rod and ask for forgiveness, leaving behind the famous tale of 'general and minister in harmony,' making the small state of Zhao unassailable. Premier Zhou Enlai, with his vast and inclusive heart, pursued the policy of seeking common ground while reserving differences and peaceful coexistence in diplomacy, establishing his great character and the dignity of the Chinese nation. Similarly, neighborly unity and marital harmony depend on tolerance; a healthy, civilized, and progressive society needs tolerance everywhere. Without it, nations would go to war, people would fight, and society would darken.

Thus, in modern society, tolerance is a necessary course in building relationships.

First, to learn tolerance is to learn the responsibility of being human.

'A smile upon meeting erases all grudges' is the highest realm of tolerance, but few can achieve it. Even so, we should not abandon this pursuit. Forgetting others' mistakes, treating people with tolerance, and repaying society with a broad heart creates a virtuous cycle that benefits both oneself and others. Turgenev once said, 'Those who cannot tolerate others do not deserve to be tolerated.' Thus, when you tolerate others, you are more likely to be tolerated when you err.

There is a Zen kōan: A general asked Master Hakuin, 'Is there really heaven and hell?' The master replied, 'What do you do?' The general proudly said, 'I am a great general.' Master Hakuin shouted, 'Who would be foolish enough to make you a general? You look more like a butcher!' Enraged, the general drew his sword to strike the master. Master Hakuin said, 'The gate of hell opens now.' The general, realizing his mistake, calmed his anger and bowed. Master Hakuin said, 'The gate of heaven opens now.'

'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' This rallying cry from the French Enlightenment thinker Voltaire embodies the spirit of tolerance for dissent and is a high level of inclusiveness.

This chapter is not finished yet~ Please click the next page to continue reading the wonderful content ahead!

Second, to achieve cooperation and healthy competition, tolerance is the most basic requirement.

'Whether learning Buddhism or living in the world, the wisdom of tolerance is invaluable.' True Buddhist teachings show reverence for all things; this is the spirit of the Buddha. So even if you do not believe in Buddhism, you should learn the spirit of tolerance it advocates.

People inevitably understand things differently, so we will always encounter differing opinions. If we cannot tolerate others' dissent, we will find it hard to move forward. Conversely, if we respect and tolerate each other, seek common ground while reserving differences, and treat each other sincerely, we will build good relationships.

We cannot demand that everything go our way, nor force everyone to share our views. Differences are inevitable. Therefore, we should strive objectively to seek common ground while reserving differences—find similarities while respecting differences—to achieve cooperation.

To seek common ground while reserving differences, mutual tolerance is the most basic requirement.

There was a man who was very poor at dealing with people and often quarreled with others. Later, he sought advice from a master: 'I always find myself in conflict with others because they bring up opinions I cannot accept. What should I do?'

The master thought for a moment and asked, 'What shape is water?'

The man, confused by what he thought was an irrelevant question, shook his head and said, 'Water doesn't have a shape.'

The master silently scooped up some water and poured it into a cup.

The man seemed to understand: 'I see, water takes the shape of the cup.'

The master then poured the water into a vase. The man quickly responded, 'Oh, now the water takes the shape of the vase.'

Without a word, the master poured the water from the vase into a pot full of soil. The water quickly seeped into the earth and disappeared. The man fell into deep thought.

At that moment, the master sighed, 'See, the water is gone just like that. This is a metaphor for a person's life.'

After pondering for a long time, the man suddenly stood up and said happily, 'I understand! You mean that the people around us are like different containers; to get along with them, we must become like water that can be poured into any vessel. Is that right?'

The master smiled and said, 'You have grasped something, but not completely.' Seeing the disciple lost in thought again, the master continued, 'The water in a well, the water in a river, the water in the sea—all have different forms, but they are all water.'

Suddenly enlightened, the man said, 'People should be like water, able to adapt to and embrace changes in the world, yet never lose their true nature.'

The master smiled and nodded.

When faced with differing opinions in life, we should be as tolerant as water. Water exists in any environment because it does not insist on its own form. It never loses its essence. The Daoists also highly praise water, saying, 'Water benefits all things without contending.' This is also a celebration of water's tolerance.

During the Song dynasty, when Guo Jin was a patrol inspector in Xishan, an official who held a grudge against him went to the imperial court to accuse him. Emperor Taizu of Song summoned the official, and after questioning, realized the accusation was out of hatred. The emperor ordered the man tied up and handed over to Guo Jin to deal with as he saw fit. Most people advised Guo Jin to kill him, but Guo Jin did not. He recognized the man's talent and said, 'If you dare to slander me before the emperor, you must have some courage. If you can capture an enemy city, not only will I spare your life, but I will also reward you with an official post.' Grateful for Guo Jin's mercy, the official persuaded an enemy city to surrender. Guo Jin bore no grudge and recommended him to the court, where he was promoted to a military officer.