"You..."
"Shh! If you make a fuss, I'll kill you." Ivy Shen had just opened her mouth when her voice was instantly sealed by an acupoint.
Who the heck are you, what do you want? Can't talk, but my eyes are basically screaming at you!
"I'll unseal your acupoint, but you can't yell, or I'll get mad and snap your neck, got it?" As he finished speaking, he gently released her acupoint.
"Who are you?" Ivy Shen quickly sat up, frowned, and questioned the handsome man.
"Can't you tell?" He spun around in front of her, his garishly colorful clothes looking especially blinding in the moonlight.
Is this guy a total freak? Why is he dressed so ridiculously?
The handsome man strolled around, then suddenly leaned in close to her face, making Ivy Shen instinctively lean back, bracing herself with both hands. But he kept coming closer, the pose growing more and more suggestive. Just as Ivy felt awkward, he reached out, lifted her chin, and chuckled, "Big brother here is the legendary Flower Thief!"
"What?" Ivy Shen immediately sounded skeptical.
The handsome man straightened up and smiled at her. "What, you think anyone else would dare pretend to be the Flower Thief?"
"You're the Flower Thief? LOL, as if! Quit playing. I bet you're just some bored pretty boy snake."
"Fool you? I don't do lies. If you don't believe me, I'll show you some flower-thieving skills right now." With that, he started to reach for her.
"Wait up!" Ivy instantly crossed her arms, shooting him a look. "You for real—the Flower Thief? Or just another himbo snake?"
The handsome man nodded without hesitation.
"Then do you need glasses or something?" Ivy Shen frowned, then saw the guy's face scrunch up. "No offense, but aren't flower thieves supposed to go after pretty girls? I'm like, peak ugly—why would you pick me?"
The handsome man nodded. "Fair point. Guess I'll just kill you instead!" He whipped out a shiny dagger and waved it at her, totally extra.
"Wait, wait! Actually... I'm gorgeous, okay? I mean, my soul is drop-dead beautiful!" Ivy flashed a wide, totally shameless grin.
"Inner beauty? Huh, I don't see it," the handsome man said, inspecting her from all sides.
"Come on, if I wasn't beautiful inside, I'd have screamed for help ages ago! Plus, I've got 'egg-calm' vibes—like, even meeting the Flower Thief, I'm still chill as a boiled egg!" (Note: 'egg-calm' is a running joke—'蛋定' means 'calm' but sounds like 'egg' in Chinese, so Ivy keeps using it as a silly confidence boast.)
Hearing this, the handsome man laughed. "Wow, I gotta say, you may be ugly, but you're actually pretty entertaining."
"Right? Honestly, with how handsome you are, why bother being a flower thief? If you just stood on the street and called out, tons of girls would throw themselves at you." When dealing with criminals, the first rule is to flatter and calm them down.
"That's no fun. Where's the thrill in that compared to sneaking around and stealing kisses?" He looked her over and added, "Though honestly, you could only be compared to a rock!"
Excuse you, you're the rock! Your whole family's rocks!
"Enough, it's late. I'll just sleep here tonight." He yawned and started to move onto her bed.
Nope! Not happening! You can't just crash here—I'm still a grade-A maiden, okay?!
The handsome man shot her a look. "When the Flower Thief shows up, it's either flowers stolen or people dead. If you just sleep here with me, I won't steal or kill—so you basically scored, right?" He flopped onto the inner side of the bed. "Besides, with your face, only a madman like me would dare share a bed. Anyone else would've died of fright."
"You..."
"I only spared you because you're interesting. But just because I'm letting you live tonight doesn't mean I won't change my mind before dawn. How about you tell me a story to help me sleep?"
Go die, you jerk! Ivy finally lost it, yelling at him. What does she look like, some free chat-and-sleep service? As if!