With a heroic battle cry, Ivy Shen swung a pillow the size of a suitcase and SMACKED Butterfly Rogue right in the face. The impact was so epic, he actually sulked like a deflated party balloon. (Visual: pillow-throwing, instant KO! Somebody cue the meme music.)
"Whoa, chill, lady! You way too hyped or what? Do you even know who I am? Every time I, Butterfly Rogue, go 'flower picking'—and FYI, that's not about gardening—women are lining up, begging for a chance! Some would literally throw their whole family fortune at me just to keep me for one night. So what's your problem, not interested?"
(Note: 'flower picking' is a cheeky Chinese slang for seduction or theft. Basically, he's bragging about being a legendary 'flower thief.' Yep, that's a thing.)
"Those women must be glitched IRL." Ivy rolled her eyes so hard, she could've seen her own brain. Seriously, was she cursed to attract every self-obsessed snake dude in the realm? Somebody, patch her luck stats.
"Excuse me, I don't vibe with your insults. What's with 'glitched'?" Suddenly, he reached out and turned her face to face him, like he was inspecting a rare Pokémon card. "You're just playing hard to get, right?"
"Heh, do I look like I'm desperate?" Ivy didn't even bother smacking his hand away—her cold snarky chuckle was pure ice queen. Achievement unlocked: Savage comeback.
Butterfly Rogue finally let go and squinted at her, full drama mode. "There are actually people who don't like pretty men? For real? Is it because I'm just too dazzling, and you can't handle the sparkle?"
Narcissist level: MAXED OUT! This guy's ego needs its own zip code. Ivy mentally facepalmed so hard she almost broke the fourth wall.
"Dishonest girls never get married, you know!" He preened, basically performing a one-man beauty pageant right there. Narcissism: still going strong.
Ivy rolled her eyes again—she might need a chiropractor after this. "Why am I surrounded by so many narcissistic serpent men?" She turned, dramatic as a soap opera star: "FYI, I've met way more handsome guys than you. In fact, I have FOUR drop-dead gorgeous husbands! So, yeah, not interested. Swipe left!"
"You have four hot husbands? LOL, as if! Keep dreaming!" Butterfly Rogue snorted, rolling his eyes so hard he nearly saw his own brain.
"Then call it a dream!" Ivy said, collapsing onto the bed with Oscar-level drama. She knew this guy was all talk and zero threat—just another NPC in her chaotic harem quest.
"Wait, for real?" Butterfly Rogue blinked, looking like someone just unplugged his WiFi. Ivy shot him a look that said, 'Bro, please.'
... Ivy stared at him, speechless. System error: too much cringe detected. Somebody reboot her brain.
"Okay, plot twist—how about I marry in too?" Butterfly Rogue suddenly leaned in, eyebrows waggling like he was auditioning for a cheesy romance anime.
"Wait, what?" Ivy blinked, totally lagging IRL. Did she just unlock a new husband DLC?
"Marry in! Just picture it—every time you step outside, there's a whole squad of gorgeous husbands trailing after you. #SquadGoals, am I right?"
"Hard pass. Go marry into someone else's drama. I, Ivy Shen, do NOT collect husbands. And FYI, I'm about to divorce all four of mine anyway! No one can stop me—once this quest is done, I'm single and ready to mingle!" She crossed her arms, queen of her own soap opera.
"Ahhh—flower thief alert!" Suddenly, a scream outside went full banshee mode, loud enough to summon the plot police.
Ivy shot him a sideways glance, eyebrow arched. "Wait, did you just 'pick' that woman?" (Friendly reminder: 'pick flowers' is a classic Chinese euphemism for, uh, seduction or theft. Our boy's a professional 'flower thief.' Wild, right?)
"Didn't pick her flower, but this dudou is seriously blingy." He whipped out a glittering golden dudou—a traditional Chinese bellyband/undergarment, both fashion statement and loot drop. (Yes, he just stole her underwear. Peak villain energy.)
"Bruh, a golden dudou?" Ivy's eyes bugged out so hard they nearly popped. (A dudou, by the way, is a fancy old-school Chinese bellyband—think crop top meets loot chest.) She practically drooled over the bling.
"Right? Pretty sweet, huh?" Butterfly Rogue waggled the dudou like he was showing off a shiny badge in a gacha game.
"Ew, you didn't even 'pick her flower,' just snatched her dudou? That's some next-level creeper energy!" Ivy shuddered. That poor woman—one second she's got her dudou, next she's starring in a villain's loot montage.
"I only pick flowers I vibe with." (Translation: He only goes after people he finds pleasing. 'Pick flowers' = seduce/steal, classic Chinese villain slang. This dude's a walking meme.)
"Wait, didn't you say you either pick flowers or kill people? So you were just bluffing, huh?" Ivy squinted, calling out his plot holes like a pro.
"Oh, almost forgot—there's a third rule." Butterfly Rogue winked, all mysterious NPC vibes.
"What now?" Ivy squinted, bracing for the next round of nonsense. Her cringe meter was maxed out.
"Little Butterfly, what happened to your face? Ahhh!" Screams outside went full horror movie mode—yep, third rule: disfigurement. (In case you missed it, Butterfly Rogue sometimes ruins his victims' looks. Classic slapstick villain move. Yikes!)
Thump-thump—urgent footsteps pounded closer. Ivy was still buffering when Butterfly Rogue zipped to the window like a ninja on fast-forward. Where's the popcorn when you need it?
"Who are you?" The door burst open—Adrian Night stood outside, glare so frosty it could freeze the WiFi. (Visual: boss-level entrance, dramatic lighting.)
"Ooh, who's this top-tier pretty boy? Is he your husband?" Butterfly Rogue lounged at the window, grinning like a cat who just hacked a fish market. Ivy's internal drama meter pinged: harem plot intensifies.
Ivy nodded, deadpan. No point pretending—her life was basically a live-action harem meme at this point.
"A real S-tier specimen, huh? Interesting! Name's Butterfly Rogue, now her number five husband. So, bro, what's your rank in the lineup?" Adrian looked like he just bit into a lemon—sour, salty, and ready to throw hands.
Adrian's face went full blackout, like someone just deleted his save file. He lunged in a flash—jealousy meter: FINAL BOSS.
But with his OP lightness skill, Butterfly Rogue vaulted out the window, yelling, "Woman, your flower will get a rematch!" (FYI: 'Flower' here is a classic villain pun for beauty/person—peak innuendo, 100% cringe.)
Ivy's mouth twitched so hard she nearly rage-quit reality. Mortified, she considered yeeting herself under the bed. Someone please patch her embarrassment stat.