I sat quietly beneath a peach tree, my hands supporting my head. I needed to be alone for a moment. After suddenly realizing certain things, what should I do now? How should I proceed?
It seems there's no going back anymore.
I stroked the tear stains on my left cheek. The river flowed over my feet, yet I felt no chill at all, as if I were a cold corpse, unable to sense light or warmth, devoid of any emotion.
At times of sorrow, pain, or joy—what kind of expression should I wear? I stared at the river's surface, seeing a wavering human face. It was mine, Ethan Zhang's. But no matter what, whether the expression was sad, painful, or happy, there was no heart behind it.
My mind kept replaying the moment Rachel Lan died, that heart-wrenching feeling. I can barely remember it now. I glanced once more at my own chest.
What was it really like?
You must have struggled when you first learned about all this, right? Ji Yuner told me. She thinks maybe your heart died long ago. That day, after you emerged from the core of the ritual array, what you said made Daozi realize something. In fact, one reason for seeking the Heartfruit is to find out whether you still have a heart.
I let out a sound of surprise and stared at Lord Shenyan.
That ritual array requires ninety-nine hearts. Do you really think it needs ninety-nine living human hearts? It needs the hearts of ninety-nine people who meet the criteria—that's what's essential. And the Heartfruit is also a fruit of the heart, which is why the Daoist thought of it.
I murmured in response, gazing at the river's surface.
Maybe for you right now, this sort of thing doesn't burden you at all. Back then, John Chou went to great lengths to teach you what it meant to have a heart. Eventually, you felt it and became human. And now you haven't turned to stone—perhaps because you were never truly human, nor truly a ghost.
What was that flame just now?
Hellfire.
Lord Shenyan spoke, raising a hand to his chest. I saw the flames gradually turn pale blue.
I'm a bit troubled now! After all, John Chou specifically told me to keep an eye on you.
Is inner sorrow really this color?
Lord Shenyan nodded. I made a sound of acknowledgment.
So I've lost all those things already?
A wisp of white energy slowly drifted out—it was the Heavenly Soul. He wore a smile. Lord Shenyan walked away to continue drinking with Lucas Dao.
You've finally realized, haven't you? Little Gray.
I stared vacantly at the Heavenly Soul and nodded.
It's good that you've realized it. Your heart died with her long ago.
Maybe so.
I tilted my head back, my mind filled with sorrow but no tears. Some say tears are a reflection of the heart—whether sad, angry, or happy, there will always be tears.
You've already done enough. If you're truly exhausted, let's go find that guy together, the three of us return to our hometown. Leave these matters behind for now. One day, you'll disappear.
I stubbornly shook my head and stood up.
I won't disappear. I'm going to the Four Sacred Realm, no matter if I'm human or something else.
After understanding all this, I think I've figured out why my memories are so intense. Even after Rachel Lan died, these feelings were deeply etched into my heart. Maybe it's the tears—Rachel Lan's cries made me remember them. Even if my heart died with her, I still remember everything, because she told me to live on.
What's lost can't be regained, Ash.
I nodded. I understood perfectly what the Heavenly Soul meant. Right now, I am Ash, not Ethan Zhang. Ethan Zhang died long ago, under Ghost Tomb Mountain. Now, I'm just Ash, before I ever became human. No matter how I try, even though I know what sorrow, pain, and joy are, my body can't feel any of it. This sense of powerlessness—understanding but unable to act—overwhelms me.
So what do you want to do? Even if you could bring Rachel Lan back, if you were with her, could you feel happiness? Or would you just pretend to be happy with her?
I don't know. But I have to bring her back.
The Heavenly Soul burst out laughing.
You're still the same as ever! Fond of these things. After all these years, I, you, and him—our understanding of humanity has long diverged. No matter what, I've never liked humans. Little Black hates them, and you yearn for them.
The Heavenly Soul squatted in front of me.
Are humans really that great?
I made a sound of agreement and nodded.
Whatever you want, Ash. I really want to go back to our hometown—the three of us, together. I've had enough of this world for a long time. I prefer living with the mountains and rivers.
I saw the Earthly Soul that day. Thinking back now, the smile he showed before leaving was fake.
What I saw within the Array Spirit may have been the truest image in my heart. But in that vision, all I felt toward Rachel Lan was responsibility—nothing else. Toward our child, I felt nothing at all, as if he were just air. I never called the child by name, never asked for his name. Until the final moment, I stabbed my heart with a knife as a medicinal catalyst. If I were human, what would I have done?
If I die, who will care for my ailing wife bedridden with old sickness? Who will look after my young son? Who will toil for our family’s survival?
"So, I really am no longer human, am I!"
"Yes, if you were still human, maybe you would have killed the villagers without hesitation, used their heart’s blood as a medicinal primer. Or, like Ethan Zhang, you’d do everything in your power to save Rachel Lan and your child, refusing to kill no matter the cost."
"What a hopeless fool, Ethan Zhang is."
I laughed, my tone thick with mockery. Yet all of this, I’d only seen in books, heard and learned in human society. Maybe this is how one is supposed to smile, supposed to speak, in such a moment.
"What is Blackie planning? Do you know?"
I asked. The Heavenly Soul shook his head.
"Maybe he was the first to feel his heart slip away. So everything he does now is out of duty, I suppose. That’s one way to explain it."
I once saw the memory of Tantan and Jiang Tianci together—Tantan spent his whole life trying to reclaim his feelings. If I walk the same path, all that awaits me is endless loneliness.
"Let’s leave that aside for now. Lord Shenyan, let’s go. Take me to the Heartfruit."
I spoke and drifted forward. Behind me, the Heavenly Soul slowly faded into a wisp of white smoke.
"Let me accompany you a while longer."
"Moments of happiness are always fleeting, Lord Shenyan."
"There’s still a long road ahead."
Lucas Dao stood up as he spoke. The two of us saluted each other with cupped fists and bowed.
"There aren’t many left in this world who put duty first and righteousness behind, like you. I only hope that a hundred years from now, a thousand years from now, I, Lucas Dao, can still drink and talk with you like this."
I looked at Lord Shenyan in surprise. He smiled and floated upward.
"We’ll have to trouble you to take us to Mount Qiyin, Lucas Dao."
Lord Shenyan glanced at me as he spoke.
"Maybe the Heartfruit can restore the heart you’ve lost."
I let out a soft sound, looking at Lord Shenyan with hope. But inside, I felt no trace of expectation.
"You’re still you, Ethan Zhang. Don’t lose heart. There’s always a way. I believe good will be rewarded, and evil will meet its end."
I hummed in response. Everything around me vanished. With a wave of his large hand, Lucas Dao conjured red-and-white clothes for Lord Shenyan and me, each marked with the character for 'prison.'
"I’ll find a way to get you across."
"We’re counting on you, Lucas Dao."
Lord Shenyan and I floated after Lucas Dao. Soon, I saw a place where the sky blazed on one side and froze on the other, haunted by the wails of ghosts. In the distance, a blurred city appeared—Deadwrong City. I still remembered, especially the emerald green moat at its edge.
We landed on a mountain ridge covered in thorns. Lucas Dao told us we’d have to walk from here, passing through Ghostgate to the left, toward Mount Qiyin. He warned us to hide all ghostly aura—if even a trace leaked out, the Third Hall Yanluo would notice and we’d be trapped.
"Isn’t this Lord Lucas the Judge? What brings you here today?"
A green-haired ghost shuffled over, bowing low. Though nearly three meters tall, he bent so much he was shorter than Lucas Dao.
"Just some business. We need to get to Ghostgate."
"Lord Lucas, why not just fly across?"
Lucas Dao coughed and glanced around. The green-haired ghost immediately fell silent, then ordered his underlings to bring a cart pulled by skeleton oxen.
"I don’t have much to offer here, Lord Lucas. Let me give you a lift."
We climbed into the ox cart and raced through the thorny hell, surrounded by tortured ghosts.
"Lord Lucas, I’ve been here many years. Has something changed up above, is that why you’re here...?"
After a while, the green-haired ghost quietly handed Lucas Dao a thick wad of money, then slipped a small portion to Lord Shenyan and me.
"Keep it for yourself. I don’t want it."
With a roar, the green-haired ghost snatched the money back and apologized profusely.
"If you hear anything, Lord Lucas, just let me know."
The green-haired ghost looked eager to please. Lucas Dao chuckled.
"Alright, if I hear anything, I’ll let you know."