Standing in the Shaolin Archives, surrounded by a sea of Buddhist scriptures mixed in with the secret manuals of the Zodiac Combo Punch, and for some reason, not a single soul is guarding the place. So, do I take them, or not?
Poof! With a cartoonish sound effect, a chibi Lil' Devil Jill pops up on my left shoulder, yelling: Take them, take them, of course take them! Grab them all! These are manuals others would die for, but we can read one, burn one, tear one, toss one—because we've got so many books! As a gangster, a bully, a demon, a bandit, and a winner at life, what’s there to worry about? Take them all!
Poof! With a cloud of blue smoke, a chibi Lil' Angel Jill floats down and lands on my right shoulder, earnestly advising: No, no, no, definitely not! You can’t do that. These belong to someone else—how could you steal? If you want to be a goody two-shoes, not only should you not snatch the books, you should probably grab a hammer and smack yourself on the head to knock out any memory of reading the 'Mighty Vajra Leg' just now.
Lil' Devil Jill: You damn goody two-shoes, what nonsense are you spouting? Keep messing around and I'll smack you!
Lil' Angel Jill: Violence is wrong, too. Don't give up on yourself—repent and become a better person.
Lil' Devil Jill: You punk—!
Lil' Angel Jill: Oh, you...
Lil'—
"Enough, enough! You two, scram—quit stirring up trouble!" Grabbing the two scene-crashers and chucking them off-screen, Jill Young scribbles a note, slaps it on the Shaolin Archives’ front door, and says, "Alright, done! Time to borrow some books and have a peek!"
See, I've always had a thing for Shaolin’s ultimate moves and those unbeatable body-shielding skills, so of course I wanna check them out. But stealing? Nah, that’s not my jam. I’ll leave a note—debts have owners, right? I’ll catch up with those old monks later and even leave Shaolin a few of our own secret tricks. Fair swap, nobody loses, everybody wins.
What? What if the Shaolin monks aren’t happy about it? Well, tough luck—they’ll just have to accept it!
Hmph, the rice is already cooked, your daughter’s already pregnant with my kid, old man—no matter how much of a daughter-lover you are, there’s no turning back. You’re taking this betrothal gift whether you want to or not, mehahaha—wait, something feels off here…
Anyway, Jill Young started wandering through the Shaolin Archives with her trusty 'Nokia flashlight' (for non-Chinese readers: the classic Nokia phone is famous in China for its durability and, thanks to its bright screen, is often jokingly used as a makeshift flashlight).
Just how many Buddhist scriptures are there, anyway?
Honestly, nobody can count them all. There are way more than what Tang Monk and his crew lugged back from the West in the CCTV version of Journey to the West. The Shaolin Archives alone stash most of the Buddhist scriptures in the world. If you want to hide a drop of water, best place is the ocean, right? With rows and stacks, scrolls and volumes everywhere, it’s enough to make your eyes spin. For a regular Joe, finding a Shaolin secret move in here is basically mission impossible.
Only folks like Xiao Yuanshan and Murong Bo, who’ve been lurking here for ages, could pull that off.
Good thing I’ve got 'Zhen Shiming' eye drops. With Zhen Shiming, my eyes are truly—blindly—clear! Wait, am I using too many ad jokes? Alright, fine, let’s put the ad spirit away and get back to the story.
Jill Young strolled past rows of bookshelves, activating her super vision to quickly hunt for what she wanted. Old books rarely have titles on the spine—some scrolls don’t even have spines. So, even with quick eyes and hands, she couldn’t see everything at a glance.
Luckily, she’s got good luck. After looking here and there, she actually found quite a few of the things she wanted.
"Ironhead Technique, Ironhide Technique? These are the originals! Let’s take a look." Every so often, Jill Young found some 'Iron'-named martial arts, quickly skimmed them and compared them, and realized it’s really worth reading the originals. After all, the Shaolin Fireworker only learned by stealing, with nobody to guide him and no access to the real manuals. His handwritten copies are missing about twenty percent compared to the originals.